She is purposeful and full of grace

A letter to my Daughter.

I knew you were mine since I was 12 weeks pregnant and we’ve known your name ever since.

Your name is powerful and carries with it so much grace. It means so much more to me than you could ever know. Before getting pregnant with you I was suffering from a deep loss: my dearest friend Liz, who was like a sister to me, passed away unexpectedly, just a day after welcoming her baby girl into the world.

Liz was funny, kind, smart and so much fun to be around. She lit up every room with her smile and presence, she was the life of every party and the most genuine soul, everyone loved being around her.

When I found out that she had died, I was in shock and disbelief. So much sadness came over me, I felt my body go numb as I sat crying on the floor. I wished so hard it wasn’t true, I begged and pleaded with God to please bring her back. I couldn’t understand how or why this was happening. I had never lost someone so close to me and so unexpectedly before. It’s a sorrow and pain I hope you never have to experience in your lifetime.

Grief and fear started to consume me. I felt so traumatized and confused, and any plans I once had to expand our little family where put on hold. The death of my dear Liz weighed heavily on my mind, and if I decided to have another child, I didn’t want the same thing to happen to me. I was also more aware than ever of the disproportionate amount of black mothers in the states dying in childbirth, which made me feel all the more scared. I had your dad and big brother who needed me, just as much as I need them and I couldn’t bare the thought of not being here anymore.

After months of what felt like drowning in deep depression, I slowly started to see the light again. It was like everything I thought I believed or knew about death, faith and God was completely shattered, when Liz died. I needed God to speak to me, to heal me. I started searching for answers, and wanting desperately to hear His voice. I buried myself in scripture readings and drowned out my negative thoughts with music that soothed my soul. For weeks I read, I sang, I cried.

There were days I could barely get out of bed. Thank God for your dad and brother! Your dad was and is the most patient and amazing, loving support system. He is truly the calm in the storm and I couldn’t have gotten through such a dark time without him by my side. He also gifted me music by Maverick City that became the anthem to my tears and prayers. Music that eventually turned into your birth playlist. And your sweet brother Rio with his bright smile and laughter always wanting to play, and forcing me to be present and in the moment.

One of my favorite bible versus that kept me going during my darkest moments was: “but he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is perfected in weakness, therefore I will boast all the more of my weaknesses so that Christ’s strength can reside in me.” 

-2 Corinthians 12:9

Liz’ death was one of the hardest things I’ve had to ever overcome. I’ve had to make peace with the fact that I will never know why this happened. I may never completely heal from it, so instead I’ve had to learn to live with the pain, where missing her comes in waves. Sometimes I laugh thinking about all the fun times we had together and sometimes I cry, but I will always carry her with me in my thoughts.

As I slowly started to find healing and peace again, I knew I really wanted to have another child, but I was still so scared. So I prayed, and I asked God that if he blessed me with you, it was because I knew He would get me through this pregnancy. That He would be with me just like He was when I was pregnant with your brother and, if I got pregnant again, I would not let my fears and anxiety take over my thoughts and cloud this new blessing of mine. 

When I was pregnant with your brother Rio Novah, I had prayed to God for a baby with lots of hair, which I’ll admit at the time seemed like such a small and insignificant ask. The day he was born all the doctors and nurses who came to see him were all commenting on how long and thick his hair was. I realized in that moment that something as “small” and “insignificant” as asking God for a baby with lots of hair, did not go unnoticed by him. He hears every single prayer.  

And because “he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath” (-Psalms 116:2)

When I prayed to God asking for his blessing and protection for another healthy pregnancy and delivery, I also made a very special request. This time I didn’t ask for a baby with lots of hair, I asked God for a baby girl to come and join our little family. At 4 weeks I found out I was pregnant and at 10 weeks I took a blood test that confirmed I was indeed pregnant with a girl.

When I found out I was pregnant with you, I cried so much because God had answered my prayer and blessed us with you. So in that moment I thanked God in advance for blessing me with another healthy and safe pregnancy. I declared in his name that this pregnancy and labor would be a healing one for me, and that you and I would be healthy and safe. I cried tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of hope. 

In life we will have moments where we feel like our prayers go unheard, and also times when we feel like we receive an immediate answer. So when I prayed for you I felt like God answered me with lightning speed. Like a roaring thunder, he made his answer known so loud and so clear. God was calling me to step out of the fear that was consuming me and to walk by faith. To trust him completely and wholeheartedly, to take you and I through this new journey safely. To trust him with my very life and you, your Dad and big brother. To trust him with everything I held so dear. God was calling me to leave everything in His hands and let go. 

Letting go of my fear is not something that came easily for me. For someone that likes to feel in control I definitely was not. I still had many nights of panic attacks and tears where I would worry about what the future held. But, the amazing thing is that God covers us with his grace regardless of how we feel. He doesn’t require us to be perfect, he just wants us to come to him just as we are. 

My heart is so full and overjoyed to see how time and time again God is faithful to his promises, how he is a God of goodness, and truth and love, and how he restores the broken hearted, and now here you are my beautiful Amaris Luna. Your name came to us almost immediately because of what it means, we knew it was meant for you. 

“Amaris” is Hebrew meaning “promised by God”. I prayed to God asking Him for you, but only to allow me to get pregnant if I would survive the pregnancy, so when I found out I was pregnant I knew it was God confirming his promise of protection to me. His promise and faithfulness is what kept me going throughout the entire pregnancy, whenever I felt doubt and worry creep into my mind. I would remind myself of his promise and how quickly He had answered my prayer. I would remind myself to breathe and trust in Him, to focus on God’s promises to me, and His word. Choosing to trust in His goodness, and to believe whole heartedly that everything would be alright. 

I also loved the name Amaris because it has mar in it. (meaning ocean in Spanish) Your brother Rio is the River and you are the Ocean. We chose Luna for your second name for various reasons but some of my favorites are what the Moon means and represents. The moon is forceful and graceful, it’s gravitational pull creates the tidal force of the seas and oceans. Greeks associated the moon with love and beauty, and since it grows big and small it is also a symbol of time and change.

My Amaris Luna, you came into my life like a beautiful sunrise, flooding light into the darkest parts of me. You came at a time when I was at one of my lowest moments and you became a symbol of hope. Now at just 6 months old you have such a calming presence about you. You light up the room with your smile and laughter, and you are already so fond of your big brother Rio. Even though you both don’t quite understand how to share and play together yet, I know you will soon. I am so grateful God blessed us with you, I know God is guiding you and your brother, protecting you both and has amazing plans for your future.

I am flawed, often times weak and so far from being the perfect Mom, but our God is a God of strength, and goodness who looks down on His children with so much love and grace. And I am forever grateful that He has chosen me for this sweet and challenging journey of Motherhood. I feel honored that He has trusted me to help guide you and your brother through this life. I love you both with every fiber of my being and can’t wait to see the amazing little humans you become.  

I want you and your brother to know that it’s ok to not feel strong all the time, it’s ok when you have moments that you feel like you’re a mess or like you can’t keep everything together. Your emotions and feelings are valid, and it’s important that you take the time you need to go through them. We are not meant to carry our burdens alone, God is always ready and willing to help us and give us His strength in our weakness. He shows up for us in so many ways throughout our daily lives. He is constantly, and patiently waiting for us to trust in Him completely. 

It was put on my heart to share my testimony and I hope that anyone suffering from an unimaginable loss, or heartbreak can find peace. The pain may still come in waves but there is still light and so much beauty in the world. I am choosing to honor my dear friend Liz by living everyday to the fullest and keeping her memory alive.